Why We All Have Troubled Relationships

When I worked in Marketing early in my career, one of my PR colleagues used to say "if 4 out of 5 dentists recommend Crest toothpaste, the only one that has something interesting to say is #5!". I often think about that as I am drawn to better understand dissenting views on any given topic. Interpersonal relations and couple's therapy is a complex topic where there are some majority opinions and a few interesting ones that go against the grain. Dr. David Burns, one of the pioneers of cognitive behavioral therapy and mastermind of the T.E.A.M. approach to CBT - and my personal mentor and hero! - has some radically different ideas of why we all have some troubled relationships in our life.  

In one of his podcasts, Dr. Burns discusses the prevailing views of why people in close relationships may not get along. Those include theories addressing i) lack of skills, ii) barriers, and iii) self-esteem. In the first one, authors postulate that we all want loving relationships, we just need to learn better communication skills such as assertiveness or non-violent communication to get there. The barriers theory posits that there are just innate barriers to intimacy such as childhood trauma or different cognitive processing approaches between men and women. Finally, the self-esteem angle demands that you love yourself first, before you can love someone else.

All of these approaches make sense and have some validity behind them. But they don't tell the full story. The missing link is "motivation."  Sometimes, we have the skills and the self-esteem and there are no great barriers, but we still don't want to get close to the other person...until they change first! The reality is, if they were looking to change, they probably would already have. If we are the ones looking for a new dynamic in an old relationship, it is up to us to take the first step to change the existing patterns of interaction. We can do that by providing empathy, using assertiveness, and demonstrating respect regardless of how the other person is behaving.

How to do that? Dr. Burns has a great book on the topic called "Felling Good Together." I recommend starting by reading the book. And if you still think you can benefit from professional help, find a therapist who can help you increase your motivation and put all of those skills and self-esteem to good use!

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