Life is full of ups and downs. Sometimes, challenges throw us into emotional turmoil, leaving us feeling overwhelmed and unsure how to cope. Here's where coping strategies come in – mental and behavioral tools we use to manage difficult emotions and navigate stressful situations. But with so many strategies available, how do you choose the right one? Let's explore the two main approaches: emotion-focused coping and solution-focused coping. Facing the Feels: Emotion-Focused Coping Imagine you receive a critical email from your boss. Your heart races, anger bubbles up, and you feel like lashing out. Emotion-focused coping acknowledges these intense emotions and focuses on managing them rather than directly addressing the source of stress. Here are some key features: Riding the Wave: Emotion-focused strategies don't try to suppress emotions. Instead, they help you acknowledge and accept your feelings without judgment. Mindfulness exercises, deep breathing techniques, and journaling can be effective tools. Seeking Support: Talking to a trusted friend, therapist, or family member can provide emotional validation and help you process your feelings in a healthy way. Self-Soothing Activities: Engaging in activities you find calming, like taking a walk in nature, listening to music, or taking a hot bath, can help reduce emotional intensity and promote relaxation. Problem-Solving Power: Solution-Focused Coping Now, let's say that critical email from your boss keeps nagging at you. You want to address the situation and prevent it from happening again. This is where solution-focused coping comes into play. Identifying the Problem: The first step is to clearly define the problem causing you stress. In this case, the issue might be unclear communication with your boss. Brainstorming Solutions: Once the problem is identified, actively brainstorm potential solutions. Maybe you could schedule a meeting with your boss to clarify expectations, or perhaps you could implement a system for double-checking your work before sending it. Taking Action: Choose the most promising solution and take concrete steps to implement it. Following through demonstrates a proactive approach to problem-solving. Choosing Your Weapon: When to Use Each Strategy So, which strategy should you choose? The answer depends on the situation. Here's a general guideline: Emotion-focused coping is ideal for: Managing overwhelming emotions like anxiety, anger, or sadness. Situations where the stressor is out of your control. Taking a step back and gaining perspective before tackling a problem. Solution-focused coping is ideal for: Situations where the stressor is something you can potentially change. Feeling empowered to take control and prevent future problems. When a clear action plan can reduce ongoing stress. These approaches aren't mutually exclusive. You can often combine them. When faced with a challenge, acknowledge your emotions (emotion-focused), then brainstorm and implement solutions (solution-focused). By having both tools in your coping toolbox, you can navigate life's curveballs with greater resilience and emotional agility.

Many mothers - both those staying-at-home with the kids as well as those working out of the house - often struggle with "mom guilt." Those are nagging feelings of guilt, shame, sadness, anger and despair that may be temporary or pretty pervasive. They are difficult and unpleasant. Older parents will tell you to let go, to enjoy the journey as time flies: "they grow up so fast." And yet, day to day those pesky feelings pop up, sometimes on cue and many times unannounced.  Cognitive theory will tell you that those unwelcome emotions stem from your thoughts, the stories that you tell yourself in your head. It can be a thought that you may not be doing enough, a notion that you are not sacrificing enough, or just a belief that you are not getting things right while everyone else has it together. In terms of concrete thoughts, they might span the range from "I should be playing with the kids right now (as opposed to doing something else I also enjoy!)", "they are watching too much TV", "I shouldn't loose my cool", "I actually want to complete this work assignment but feel I should be spending more time with the kids."  If you can't change your reality short-term, how can you deal with these thoughts and feelings more effectively? First, if I offer you a magic button that would make all of those beliefs and reactions go away, consider whether you'd press the magic button. It sounds like a good deal, right? Yet, these negative thoughts and feelings tell us a lot of beautiful things about you...They show you care, you want to do what is right by your children, that you are willing to look at your choices critically, and that you have really high standards and goals for yourself. All of those things are good! Rather than pressing the magic button and make the "mom guilt" disappear altogether, how about figuring out how to modulate it? You can find a way to hold on to some of the healthy aspects of the guilt - after all, wanting to be the best mom you can be is an awesome goal! - but it is not so high that takes away from your chance to enjoy your children and your limited time with them. That is very doable with CBT. To get to this lower level of distress, you will need to revisit the stories that you are telling yourself in your head. In CBT, we embrace the idea that your thoughts drive your emotions. Change your thoughts, change your emotions. There are a myriad techniques to re-write the automatic thoughts and ideas in your head around your parenting choices. You can learn about them in CBT-driven books such as Dr. David Burns' new Feeling Great book. Or you can work with a CBT therapist who can guide you in understanding and applying these techniques to the specific circumstances in your life. Your family will thank you!

Anxiety and fear are quite different. To illustrate the difference I normally share a concrete example. Let's say I open my front door and there is a wild tiger right there. I will be terribly afraid. There is a clear and imminent danger I can pinpoint, thus leading to the fear. However, if I step out of my front door, hear a noise or see some movement in the grass, and think that there might be a tiger in there somewhere, odds are I will be feeling quite anxious. I think there might be a threat somewhere, only I cannot see it. I can imagine it. Anxiety is a response to perceived threats that come to us either in the form of thoughts (a story) or images. Because we don’t like the feeling of anxiety, we often avoid thinking about those threats and try to block out the troublesome images. This helps reduce the anxiety in the immediate short-term. But long-term, it is still there. That pesky feeling of foreboding, a tightness in your chest, a lump in your throat.  If it’s in your head and it has a negative emotional valence, it will come back at some point. That makes sense, right? I’s your brain trying to keep you safe by reminding you often of the dangers around you.  How can you conquer that anxiety? There are several methods in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) for anxiety treatment. The most effective one is exposure therapy. This is an approach where, figuratively,  you get out of the house, go to where the noises and movement in the grass are, look behind the bushes, and find out that there isn’t a tiger there after all – it’s a kitty cat. To get to this liberating a-ha moment, we do need the courage to be willing to face the tiger. For some types of anxiety such as driving or public speaking, we can actually go out there and do exposure exercises in real life relatively simply. But other times, if our fears involve imagined situations and outcomes that we can’t replicate in the real world, then we have to use the tool of ‘imaginal exposure.’ Imaginal exposure for anxiety treatment, as the name suggests, involves immersing ourselves in this worst-case scenario fear of how things can turn out badly. For example, if I am constantly anxious about having a deadly disease, I can enter a mental world where that actually happens. If I am concerned about my children having a terrible accident, I can make that true in my head. ​Imaginal exposure scripts are short stories that we can write laying out what would happen if our worst fears came true. We add what happens in the immediate aftermath and what happens over the long run. These scripts are usually sad and dark because, well, our anxieties are sad and dark. Once an anxiety-provoking imaginal exposure script is written, exposure therapy involves reading that script over and over and over, several times a day for several days, recording the level of distress that it brings up. The objective is to get you habituated to the facts and feelings in the script.  After reading a story a few hundred times, it gets boring. Boring is the opposite of anxiety-provoking. Boring is good. Of course, you’ll be well served to have a therapist support you through this unpleasant but highly effective and necessary process. Any well-trained CBT therapist should be able to hold your hand and help you feel safe and cared for as you go face your tigers. Happy hunting!

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is a widely used, evidence-based psychotherapeutic approach that helps individuals understand and alter negative thought patterns and behaviors. Among its array of techniques, one stands out for its logical appeal and practical application: the "examine the evidence" technique. This method empowers individuals to challenge their negative thoughts by scrutinizing the evidence supporting and refuting them, fostering a more balanced and realistic mindset. Understanding the 'Examine the Evidence' Technique At the core of CBT lies the concept that our thoughts significantly influence our emotions and behaviors. Negative or distorted thinking can lead to emotional distress and maladaptive behaviors. The 'examine the evidence' technique is designed to address this by encouraging a methodical analysis of our thoughts. When using this technique, individuals are prompted to take a thought—often a negative or distressing one—and treat it as a hypothesis rather than a fact. They then gather and evaluate the evidence for and against this thought, much like a scientist conducting an experiment. This process helps in identifying cognitive distortions and developing a more balanced perspective. Steps to "Examine the Evidence" 1. Identify the Negative Thought: The first step is to pinpoint a specific negative thought that is causing distress. For example, "I am a failure because I didn't get the job I wanted." 2. Record the Thought : Write down the thought to give it a tangible form. This can help in viewing it objectively. 3. Gather Supporting Evidence : List all the evidence that supports the thought. In our example, this might include, "I was not selected for the job," or "I struggled with some questions during the interview." 4. Gather Contradictory Evidence : Next, list evidence that contradicts the thought. This could include, "I have been successful in other interviews," "I have good qualifications and experience," or "I received positive feedback from other applications." 5. Evaluate the Evidence: Weigh the evidence for and against the thought. Often, individuals will find that the evidence against their negative thought is stronger and more plentiful, which can diminish the thought's power and credibility. 6. Formulate a Balanced Thought: Based on the evidence, create a more balanced, realistic thought. For instance, "I didn't get this job, but I have been successful in other areas, and I can learn from this experience to improve my chances next time." Benefits of the 'Examine the Evidence' Technique 1. Reduces Cognitive Distortions: By analyzing thoughts critically, individuals can identify and correct cognitive distortions such as all-or-nothing thinking, overgeneralization, and catastrophizing. 2. Enhances Emotional Regulation: A more balanced perspective can lead to reduced emotional distress and improved mood. 3. Promotes Problem-Solving Skills: This technique encourages a proactive approach to problem-solving, as individuals learn to confront and address their negative thoughts systematically. 4. Builds Resilience: Over time, examining the evidence can help individuals build resilience by fostering a habit of thinking more rationally and less emotionally. Practical Tips for Applying the Technique - Consistency is Key: Regularly practicing this technique can help reinforce balanced thinking habits. - Seek Feedback: Sometimes, discussing thoughts and evidence with a therapist or a trusted friend can provide additional insights. - Use a Thought Record: Keeping a journal of thoughts and evidence can be a useful tool for tracking progress and identifying patterns. - Be Patient: Changing thought patterns takes time and effort, so it's important to be patient and persistent. In short, the 'examine the evidence' technique is a powerful tool in the CBT arsenal, enabling individuals to challenge and reframe their negative thoughts through a structured and logical approach. By fostering critical thinking and promoting a balanced perspective, this technique not only alleviates distress but also builds a foundation for long-term emotional well-being. As with any skill, practice and perseverance are essential, but the rewards—a clearer mind and a more positive outlook—are well worth the effort.

We all have that inner critic, the voice that whispers (or shouts!) negativity after a mistake or setback. But what if you treated yourself with the same kindness and understanding you'd offer a friend in the same situation? That's the core idea behind the Double Standard Technique, a powerful tool used in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). The Problem with Our Inner Critic CBT focuses on the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Often, negative thoughts lead to negative emotions and unhealthy behaviors. A common culprit behind these negative thoughts is harsh self-criticism . We hold ourselves to unrealistic standards, leading to feelings of guilt, shame, and inadequacy. The Double Standard TEAM-CBT Technique: Treat Yourself Like a Friend ​The Double Standard Technique flips that script. Here's how it works: Identify the Negative Thought: When you catch yourself feeling down on yourself, pinpoint the critical thought driving that emotion. For example, "I messed up that presentation. I'm such a failure." Imagine a Friend: Picture a close friend going through the same situation. How would you comfort them? Challenge the Inner Critic: Ask yourself, "Would I ever say such harsh things to my friend?" Most likely not! Reframe Your Thought: Use the compassion you'd offer your friend to reframe your negative thought. "Everyone makes mistakes. I can learn from this and do better next time." Why This Technique Works The Double Standard Technique in TEAM-CBT works because it exposes the unfair double standard we often hold ourselves to. We'd never be so cruel to a friend, so why be that way to ourselves? By practicing this technique, you can: Develop Self-Compassion: Treating yourself with kindness fosters a sense of self-worth and emotional resilience. Challenge Negative Thinking: You learn to question the validity of your harsh self-criticism. Develop More Supportive Self-Talk: You replace negativity with a more realistic and encouraging inner voice. ​ Putting the Double Standard Technique into Practice The Double Standard Technique takes practice. Here are some tips: Start small: Begin with minor situations and gradually work your way up. Journal: Write down your negative thoughts and reframe them using the Double Standard Technique. Seek support: Talk to a therapist or counselor who can guide you through the process. By learning to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you'd offer a friend, you can break free from the cycle of self-criticism and build a more positive, self-compassionate self-image. Remember, you deserve the same level of kindness and support you readily give to others.

Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) offers a toolbox of skills to manage overwhelming emotions. One powerful technique is "opposite action," which involves deliberately choosing a behavior contrary to your emotional urges. You may benefit from learning a bit more about it. At our core, emotions are wired with action tendencies. For example, fear compels us to flee, anger pushes us to fight, and sadness leads to withdrawal. While these urges might be helpful in immediate danger, they can be detrimental in everyday situations. Opposite action disrupts this automatic cycle. By consciously choosing an action opposite to our emotional urge, we break the emotional hijacking and regain control. For example, if social anxiety makes you want to cancel plans, opposite action would be to force yourself to attend. This might feel uncomfortable initially, but it can lessen the anxiety over time. Similarly, when feeling overwhelmed and tempted to isolate, opposite action could be reaching out to a friend. Overcoming the initial discomfort allows for connection and support. The effectiveness of opposite action lies in its ability to: Reduce emotional intensity: By taking action against the urge, we prevent the emotion from spiraling. Promote long-term goals: Opposite action helps us prioritize our values over fleeting emotions. Challenge negative thoughts: Acting opposite to an emotion can demonstrate that the associated thoughts might be distorted. Opposite action is not about suppressing emotions, but rather about choosing a more mindful response. It requires self-awareness and the willingness to step outside one's comfort zone. However, by practicing this technique, we can better manage their emotions and navigate challenging situations more effectively. Here is a handout from Psychotherapy Academy on how to put the Opposite Action technique in DBT to good use in your life.

Those of us who are lucky enough to be able-bodied and perfectly capable of putting one foot in front of the other should be walking at least 30 minutes a day, 5 days a week. Why? Because walking brings enormous benefits for our health, both physically and mentally. ​This article from Fresh Daily Health details several ways in which walking can help us lead healthier lives. Benefits of regular walks include: Prevents muscle atrophy Improves blood circulation Builds muscle Builds stronger bones Lowers risk of several diseases such as heart conditions, cancer and diabetes Leads to weight loss Prevents dementia Boosts Vitamin D levels Increases energy levels Extends lifespan Boosts mental health On this last point, it is worth highlighting that walking can help reduce stress, ease anxiety, and combat that nagging desire to do nothing that comes with a clinically significant depression. So, if you can find a few breaks on your calendar daily, even if it is just 10 to 15 minutes two or three times a day, get out there and start putting one foot in front of the other! Your body will thank you.

Often times, it is hard to find the right therapist, at the right location, available on the right days, and at the right price. If you are having trouble finding someone with whom you can connect, keep looking. Ask your friends and medical providers for recommendation.  Search online directories for psychologists near you, such as those from Psychology Today . Look through membership listings at national or regional psychology associations such as the American Psychological Association . Or, if you know you want an evidence-based provider using cutting-edge technology, search for certified TEAM-CBT therapists on the Feeling Good Institute website.    While you go through your research, you want to pay attention to your mood and well-being. Here are some tips for self-care while you wait for your therapy to start: Self-Care “While You Wait” While you are waiting for individual counseling, you may want to implement these tips to try to alleviate some of your distress. (This is for informational purposes only, and is not intended to treat any conditions. These tips are not meant to be substitutes for mental or physical health counseling.)  Find activities that sooth and relax you. Relaxation improves the mind and helps the body recover from stress. Even 10 minutes a day would be helpful! Use deep breathing techniques--take a deep breath slowly and all the way down to your stomach, hold your breath for a few seconds, and slowly breath out by emptying your stomach of your breath. Tell yourself to “let go of any tension” as you breath out. Do this for at least 5 or 6 times in each sitting. Practice yoga, listen to some relaxation tapes, etc.  Do some kind of physical activity , even if you only have 10 minutes. Find a routine that creates a sweat and that fits your style (e.g., walk, swim, tennis). This will help with your stress, anxiety, and depression symptoms.  Keep a journal. Write down your thoughts and feelings in various situations. Note any patterns or questions you’d like to discuss in therapy.  Pay attention to your mind and body. Nourish your body with nutritious food. Skipping meals robs you of the energy to cope. Nurture your spirit. Pray, meditate, practice whatever that fits your spirituality. Sleep and rest when you are tired.  Laugh , especially at yourself and Take time to play. Spend time with those who make you laugh. Watch a comedy or read a funny book. There is evidence that smiling changes your emotions to pleasant and your thoughts to optimism.  Nurture a positive view of self. Catch yourself when you start to think negatively or are putting yourself down. Actively replace these negative thoughts with a positive view. Create a list of affirmations for yourself (e.g., I grow and change; I am open-minded, etc.). Even if you aren’t convinced, fake it until you make it!  Make connections. This will take time to develop. Create and maintain contact with a small group of people you can call on for emotional support. Take turns talking and listening. Isolating yourself can make things worse.  In addition, here is a brief list of resources where you can obtain guidance and assistance in a crisis situation:  National Suicide Prevention Hotline – 1-800-273-8255  Starvista crisis hotline (in San Mateo County) – 1-650-579-0350  Text hotline - Text “START” to 741741.  911 or your nearest emergency room

Dr. Aaron Beck was one of the pioneers in developing the theory and applications behind Cognitive Therapy for the treatment of clinical depression. In Dr. Beck's views, depression does not stem from a 'chemical imbalance in the brain." Instead, it stems from an imbalance in our way of thinking . When someone is depressed, there are usually three common themes to the content of their thoughts: Negative View of Self : "I suck..." Negative View of the World : "The world sucks..." Negative View of the Future : "And it is never going to get better!" He called these ways of thinking the "depressive triad." Depressed individuals often feel a loss of interest in things that were previously pleasurable or important to them and function at lower levels compared to their former selves. They can also experience noticeable changes in levels of energy, appetite, sleep, and ability to concentrate, while having thoughts of low self-worth, guilt, and, in more extreme cases, suicide.  Here is a full list of symptoms of depression as defined by the American Psychiatric Association..  In Cognitive Therapy, client and therapist will partner up to identify common thought patterns for the client that relate to their depression. They can then analyze those patterns together, with openness and curiosity, to see what is 'off' about them. With close collaboration and powerful therapeutic techniques such as those in TEAM-CBT, the "depressive triad" can be annihilated.

My colleague, Dr. Leah Weiss, from the Stanford Graduate School of Business, published this thought-provoking article in the Harvard Business Review. In it, Leah discusses how all of us frequently go through a work day without actually noticing where the time goes or how precisely we are spending our time. That can lead to dissatisfaction at work, driven by inefficiency, disengagement, and potentially health problems. The antidote, as you can imagine, is to add both a sense of purpose and mindful action to our days. It is obviously not easy to do at all times, but it is possible with some deliberate intention. Here are her suggestions to work mindfully:  Act on purpose - focus on how your personal goals connect with the goals of the organization in which you are inserted; Map a plan - understand which tasks, and in what order, will get you closer to your finish line; Avoid distractions - don't fall into the trap of the "mindless accept syndrome." Name your distractions, remember your goals, and gauge where each request for your time falls.

The picture below, from the fantastic website Psychology Tools , shows what happens in our body when our brains perceive a possible threat: Just like our ancestors used to do when living in caves tens of thousands of years ago, whenever we think there is a threat coming our way (e.g. "there comes a sabre-toothed tiger!"), we prepare to fight it or quickly run away from it. Our bodies, being the well-oiled machines that they are, immediately go into survival mode and get ready to deal with the threat by activating an internal "alarm system". In simple terms, this system is called the fight or flight response. Once our brain identifies a possible danger, stress hormones such as cortisol and adrenaline are released by the adrenal glands. I response, muscles tense up, particularly the larger ones, to prepare for a possible battle or long run. The heart starts beating faster, pumping more blood around the body, which elevates its temperature.  The rise in temperature triggers sweating to cool the body down. As blood vessels in the skin contract to force blood towards those all-important major muscle groups, areas such as palms and feet become both cold and sweaty. As breathing becomes faster and shallower to take in more oxygen, we may feel a bit dizzy or lightheaded if the excess oxygen is not being used right away. Thoughts also start racing to keep up with the changes in the environment. As digestive and elimination systems are not vital, they receive less blood and we might feel nausea, butterflies in the stomach, along with urges to use the bathroom. All of these reactions get us ready to deal with that tiger. And in those situations, they are indeed indispensable, life saving. Indeed, if we go back many millennia, we are all descendants of the prehistoric men and women with the best "alarm systems - those that did not get eaten by the tigers! However, nowadays, there aren't many saber-toothed tigers walking around. The perceived threats come from our financial troubles, fear of rejection, loneliness, arguments with a spouse, concerns about a job, memories of a traumatic event, self-doubt, regrets, and many, many other ideas that we ourselves label as dangerous. In those instances, the fight 0r flight response is unnecessary. Worse, it can interfere with just being able to live a fulfilling life. If that is happening to you, talk to a therapist. You can learn to fine tune your fight or flight response so that it works for you, not against you!

If you are dealing with many stressors in your life and feeling overwhelmed from time to time, you may have come across a suggestion to start a 'mindfulness' practice. First of all, what is mindfulness? It is a concept describing a state where we pay full attention to the present moment. We don't obsess about the past, we don't worry about the future, we are just focused on the present, in the here and now.  Even further, we try to clear our mind of thoughts and activity for stretches of time when we can just 'be' rather than 'do.' We observe our internal experiences without judging them or trying to change them. Many people achieve this state of mindfulness through meditation. As I've mentioned in prior posts, there are many confirmed benefits of regular meditation or mindfulness practice. If you want to start a mindfulness practice yourself, here are a few pointers : Find a quiet space where you won’t be distracted. S it down however you want, as long as it’s comfortable (but don’t get too comfortable and fall asleep!).  Set a time goal on your watch or phone so you don't have to worry about checking the time as you go. You can begin with  three or five minutes at first and then gradually go longer if you wish. If don't, that's ok too: any amount of time spent meditating will still have a positive impact. Close your eyes and direct your full attention to your breath. Notice sensations tied to it and the air goes in and out of your body. If your mind wanders, just come back to your breath. Observe your thoughts, feelings, and any sensations without doing anything about it. Observe your thoughts like leaves floating down a stream. No matter where your mind goes, just notice it and come back to your breath and the present moment.  The more you practice the easier it will get. Just notice your sensations, come back to your breath, and enjoy!  And if you don't want to do all of this on your own, I recommend checking out the Google Play or App Store for popular apps such as  Insight Timer ,  Breathe , and  Headspace .