Freeing Yourself from “Should” Statements with CBT

“I should exercise more.” “I shouldn’t feel anxious.” “They should know better.”These kinds of thoughts may sound familiar. In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) they are known as “should statements.”

Should statements can feel motivating at first, but they often create unnecessary guilt, pressure, or resentment. When directed at ourselves, they set up rigid rules that are hard to meet, fueling self-criticism. When directed at others, they can leave us frustrated and disconnected.

A powerful way to work with should statements is through a CBT method called the semantic technique. The idea is simple: rather than trying to force yourself (or others) into a “should,” reframe the statement into language that reflects choice, wishes, preference, or reality. This small shift in words can create a big shift in mindset.

For example:

• Instead of “I should exercise,” try “I’d like to exercise because it helps me feel strong and clear-headed.”

• Instead of “They shouldn’t be late,” try “I prefer when people are on time, but sometimes delays happen.”

• Instead of “I shouldn’t feel anxious,” try “It’s wish I didn't feel as anxious, but it’s a normal human response.”

  
  

This technique works because language shapes emotion. By softening rigid “shoulds” into flexible preferences or acknowledgments, we reduce guilt and shame and increase self-compassion. We also leave more room for problem-solving. A statement like “I’d like to exercise” can lead to brainstorming realistic ways to move your body, rather than dwelling on failure.

Practicing the semantic technique takes time, but it’s a skill that builds resilience. Next time you catch a “should,” pause and try swapping it out. You may find that life feels less like a list of demands, and more like a set of choices aligned with your values. You can see more from Dr. David Burns, founder of TEAM-CBT on the topic of "shoulds", here.